Great Expectations

Before having Roman I had a lot of expectations of what being a parent would be like. I read books and blogs and articles on how to get baby on a routine and how often to feed babies. I knew having a new born would be hard and there would be sleepless nights and my time would no longer be my own. With all of this knowledge I thought things would be much easier than they actually are.

The first week home from the hospital really was quite a blur. I honestly can't remember much about it other than being so filled with joy that our baby was finally here. With that joy you basically do whatever you need to do to take care of your baby even if it means staying up all night. I think God sustains you as well, and gives you strength you didn't know you could ever have.

However after a month in I'm realizing how difficult life can be with a baby. With the bombardment of information I feel overwhelmed because my baby doesn't fit the mold. My baby doesn't take 3-5 naps a day (I'm lucky if he will take one good nap). My baby cries, a lot (which may be an understatement). I can't handle listening to my peanut cry and cry it out just isn't going to work at our house. I don't have family I can call to come over and relieve me for a few hours, and my baby won't take a bottle which makes it even harder for me to get a break.


For example yesterday Roman woke up at 6:30 ate, cried, and then finally went down for a nap. He woke up around 9 ate and fussed some more. He cried the whole morning and wouldn't fall asleep until the afternoon where he slept on and off for no more than 30 minutes. This cry wasn't just your average cry. It was the blood curdling, lip quivering, red faced, head dripping with sweat cry that breaks my heart. The rest of the day followed suit and ended with an evening crying session lasting basically from 5-9 with breaks to feed in between. At that point I think I cried as much as he did. I cried out of frustration, not frustrated with him, but myself for not being able to settle my child. I cried out of sorrow that my baby was in pain. I cried out of exhaustion. But I also cried out to God, asking him why he had given me more than I could handle.

Roman at his finest.

He didn't answer at least not how I wanted. Roman continued to cry. But I realized God didn't give me more than I could handle, he gave me what it took for me to hand it over to God and let him carry my burden. Our God is a gracious God who loves us, wants what's best for us, and comforts us in our pain.   God also knew I needed a break so today Roman has been an angel, sleeping in his bed during his naps, eating well, and even allowing me to go for a walk with a friend.

With all that said, I don't love Roman anymore today than I did yesterday. A mother's love isn't dependent on the behavior of her child. I believe God is the same way. He doesn't love me more on my good days than on my bad ones. He loves me just the same and gives me grace in the moments when I need it most. I'm so thankful for a loving father whose love never changes, never fails, and never leaves me for a moment.

Even though life with a fussy or (colicky) baby is difficult I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being the one to comfort, love, protect, and care for Roman. This past month has been filled with joy and a love for a son that I couldn't even imagine.

Happy one month little stud!

Roman turned one month on Tuesday!

YOU ARE LOVED!