Reflections on 31 and a birth story!

So today Ben asked me to list the highlights of my last year, seeing as today is my 32nd birthday. Honestly besides for the birth of Lincoln I had a hard time coming up with specifics. I paused for a minute and recounted the last year starting last November and listing the trials and good moments in between. Reflecting on the year showed me a few things. First off I was pregnant for pretty much all of my 31st year. We found out we were pregnant with Marvel right after Thanksgiving, lost her right after Christmas, and then found out we were pregnant with Lincoln in February. I continued to walk through the year remembering all of the sickness I had, the trials we had in traveling, the pain of losing a child, and just the day to day difficulties of raising three littles while carrying another. When I look back at the year I see a lot of sorrow, but I don't see despair, depression, or intense anxiety. Instead what I see is God's grace through pain, God's sustaining power through my weakness, and God's blessings in family and friends and how they sacrificed so much to love and care for us.

Although I wouldn't say 31 was my best year yet, I would say it was a refining year. A year in which I realized to depend on the Lord for my needs and to continue to seek and see what it looks like to serve and love selflessly (although I am far from perfect in these areas). God is so gracious and what a perfect way to end a hard year, with a beautiful baby boy. Lincoln is such a gift (all of our kids are), he is such a perfectly timed gift and reminder of God's grace in my life. The pregnancy with him was difficult and the wait was hard, but he was so worth it. I had so many ideas of how I thought his birth would go, but God's plans are always better. Yet another way I'm learning to trust his plans and see his grace.

I thought for sure I would go into labor in the middle of the night with Lincoln. There were even a few nights I woke up and thought we'd be leaving for the hospital. I had plans to be induced on October 24, then pushed it back to November 1, then pushed it back one last time to November 6. By God's grace I didn't need to be induced and was able to deliver naturally. We took the kids trick or treating on Halloween and I had a few contractions during that time. I thought for sure we wouldn't make it through the night. However I woke up the next morning at 6:30 very discouraged that I wasn't having a baby. I pulled myself out of bed at 6:45 and started reading my BSF notes for the day. In God's sovereignty this is what I read.

"Like Hannah, what have you prayed for but not

yet received? Has your wait turned into years? Perhaps

you also asked God for a child. Perhaps you pray to be

married, for more education, financial stability, career

advancement, healing from illness or even a specific

position serving God. Perhaps you have asked to be

released from some difficult relationship, like Hannah’s

experience with Peninnah. Suffering is real. Grief, despair

and depression come in waves that cannot be wished

away.

God does not always say “yes” to our pleading,

13

but He always hears and lovingly answers His people

according to His perfect purposes.

When God’s ways are mysterious, we must rely on

what we know of His righteous character shown in the

Bible. Through every struggle, as you prayerfully depend

on Him, He will draw you closer, encourage you and

make you stronger.

God knows you, your longings,

your deepest needs and how best to respond.

God

promises never to abandon or forsake you.

14

Will you

choose to hope in the Lord Himself, not in a dream,

person, desire or event?"

I had been praying to have the baby earlier and was so discouraged every morning I woke up to no contractions and no baby. I was putting my hope in a situation and not in God. This was a perfect reminder to trust God's timing and his character. 15 minutes later I started having some more contractions. I woke Ben up and told him today might be the day, but also did not get my hopes up. He left for work and the morning went on as normal. Around 9:30 my contractions started to feel more real and I was thinking more and more that this was it. In my pride I wanted to sit at home, tell no one, and get through the fear and uncertainty alone, but I had a nudging to put my pride aside and call Elizabeth. She quickly came over, prayed for me and offered to walk with me while her daughter watched the kids to see if we could get things moving. We walked up and down the street a handful of times and when we headed back inside my contractions were coming every 5-7 minutes. I called my midwife and she told me to come in. So Ben came home and we peacefully left the house and drove to the hospital. By the time we got there my contractions started to get more intense. We walked up to our room and my water broke. What perfect timing! Timing that I couldn't have planned. We had a friend at our house to watch our kids, she didn't have to rush over in the middle of the night, we didn't have to leave our kids in a frenzy, we made it in time, AND I didn't have to be induced. It seriously could not have worked out more perfectly.

Once we got settled they hooked me up to monitor the baby for about and hour. I think I had 3 contractions in that hour, so discouraging. As soon as they were done around 1:00 we got up to walk. After walking quite a bit the contractions came faster and more intense. Little Lincoln was born at 3:00! Honestly the pushing and contractions were more intense than my other labors and I started to get thoughts going around my head like "I can't do this," and "Can't you just take him out for me?" How ridiculous of me. Once I calmed those thoughts I knew I had to focus on what was true so I repeated these things about God's character. God is creator-he created my body to be able to do this and he created Lincoln. God is sustainer-he will sustain me through this labor. God is the life giver-he has given Lincoln life. Those truths got me through labor and gave me the strength to give birth to a beautiful precious baby boy! 

                                                        Lincoln Sage Arant

                                                        November 1, 2018 3:00pm

                                                        7lbs 6oz 19 inches

grieving with hope

Sometimes without even knowing it, children can teach us great truths from God's words. The child may not even know this truth, but the sovereign Lord can use anything he wishes to proclaim this truth. I was reminded of this the other day when talking with my 4 year old son, Roman. 

 

Out of the blue the other day Roman asked me how I knew baby Marvel wasn't in my tummy anymore but was in heaven. He asked it so bluntly and took my answer with such assurance. He didn't question it, just paused to think and went on with his day. You see  this question brought me back to when we had explained to him that the baby inside my tummy was no longer alive, but was with Jesus in heaven.  When we told him the news he was sad, had questions, and made comments like I wish I could have met the baby or held the baby. Those all were obvious reactions, ones we had expected. However what we didn't expect was the responses that followed in the next days, weeks, and even months after we lost Marvel. On several occasions he made comments like baby Marvel is in heaven, or baby Marvel is waiting for us. He would make those comments with such confidence and assurance, and HOPE. 

His reactions made me think of the verse in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14. "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." You see he was sad, but he had hope. Hope that Marvel was with Jesus and the words God has spoken are true.

This thought encourages me in two ways. 

1. It is ok to grieve over things that grieve the Lord, and death is one of those. 

2. It is also ok to have hope in the midst of suffering. Sometime guilt can take over and we feel that we need to be sad and not go on with life because of a tragedy. And while there definitely needs to be room for healthy grief and time to process, life shouldn't remain like that forever. In our suffering the Lord is doing something. The Lord sustained me during our loss and gave me the grace to get through and actually be present in the moments. He gave me hope that my baby was in heaven, that I was going to be ok, and that he was working in my heart in the midst of heartache and pain and he was doing something sweet and even more so his glory to be revealed will far outweigh any pain or suffering I could face in this life.

Marvel

Well 2018 did not begin the way we had hoped for. We had planned on making a special New Year's announcement, but instead we find ourselves sharing our grief instead of our joy. I went back and forth about sharing this video with you all.  We found out the day after Thanksgiving that we were expecting our fourth baby. We told my family and made a special video to share with Ben's family over Christmas. However the morning of the day we were going to show the video I had a miscarriage. Definitely not the fun Christmas vacation we planned for. So here is the video we planned to share with Ben's family and the rest of you. I don't share it to gain your sympathy, but instead for these three reasons to celebrate, to remember, and to worship. As I begin to process what has happened over the last month these are the things I'm trying to focus on.

1. Celebrate.
I believe with my whole heart that there was life inside of me. We saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound. I also believe that this life inside of me was no different than the life of my other three children. This baby began the same way we all do. This baby was knit together in my womb by the hand of God. That alone is something to celebrate. All life is a miracle and all life should be celebrated no matter how long that life lasts. I also believe that our baby is now in heaven with Jesus. This child will never have to feel pain or sorrow and that is another reason to celebrate. God knows our child deeply and loves our child more than we ever could have on earth.

2. Remember.
I fear that if I don't write these thoughts down, if I don't celebrate this life, and believe this baby is like my others I won't remember. I want to remember we have 4 children, not 3. This baby brought us joy, even in the short time we knew there was life inside of me. I want my children to remember they have another sibling, and this sibling is in heaven with Jesus. I'm so thankful to have had the video below made. Even though it may be painful to watch now it will be a sweet reminder of our precious baby and the joy that surrounded this child.

3. Worship.
Lastly, and this is the hardest of the three points, I want to worship. God is the creator and sustainer of life. He is sovereign and oh so good. He has our best in mind even when it doesn't feel that way. God formed the life that was inside of me in his image. He was the one who gave us joy and he is the one who is now comforting us in our pain. We worship him because he is good and so full of mercy. Life is a miracle of God, and this life was no different. Ephesians 2:4 has been going through my head this last week. "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us..." God is so merciful towards us and he could have left us in our pain and suffering, but he didn't. He moves towards us and comforts us and loves us more than we can fathom.

This last week has been one of intense grief and heart ache. I knew miscarriage must be hard to go through, but you never really know the depth of the pain you will feel until you walk this path. But we rejoice in the fact that one day we will meet our child in heaven and that gives us the hope we need.

**Roman wanted to give the baby a name and as we were searching for a name one of the first ones that popped up was Marvel, which means Miracle in French, and since Roman has enjoyed everything Marvel for the last couple years, that's what we chose. We chose to name the baby Marvel.