Reflections on 31 and a birth story!

So today Ben asked me to list the highlights of my last year, seeing as today is my 32nd birthday. Honestly besides for the birth of Lincoln I had a hard time coming up with specifics. I paused for a minute and recounted the last year starting last November and listing the trials and good moments in between. Reflecting on the year showed me a few things. First off I was pregnant for pretty much all of my 31st year. We found out we were pregnant with Marvel right after Thanksgiving, lost her right after Christmas, and then found out we were pregnant with Lincoln in February. I continued to walk through the year remembering all of the sickness I had, the trials we had in traveling, the pain of losing a child, and just the day to day difficulties of raising three littles while carrying another. When I look back at the year I see a lot of sorrow, but I don't see despair, depression, or intense anxiety. Instead what I see is God's grace through pain, God's sustaining power through my weakness, and God's blessings in family and friends and how they sacrificed so much to love and care for us.

Although I wouldn't say 31 was my best year yet, I would say it was a refining year. A year in which I realized to depend on the Lord for my needs and to continue to seek and see what it looks like to serve and love selflessly (although I am far from perfect in these areas). God is so gracious and what a perfect way to end a hard year, with a beautiful baby boy. Lincoln is such a gift (all of our kids are), he is such a perfectly timed gift and reminder of God's grace in my life. The pregnancy with him was difficult and the wait was hard, but he was so worth it. I had so many ideas of how I thought his birth would go, but God's plans are always better. Yet another way I'm learning to trust his plans and see his grace.

I thought for sure I would go into labor in the middle of the night with Lincoln. There were even a few nights I woke up and thought we'd be leaving for the hospital. I had plans to be induced on October 24, then pushed it back to November 1, then pushed it back one last time to November 6. By God's grace I didn't need to be induced and was able to deliver naturally. We took the kids trick or treating on Halloween and I had a few contractions during that time. I thought for sure we wouldn't make it through the night. However I woke up the next morning at 6:30 very discouraged that I wasn't having a baby. I pulled myself out of bed at 6:45 and started reading my BSF notes for the day. In God's sovereignty this is what I read.

"Like Hannah, what have you prayed for but not

yet received? Has your wait turned into years? Perhaps

you also asked God for a child. Perhaps you pray to be

married, for more education, financial stability, career

advancement, healing from illness or even a specific

position serving God. Perhaps you have asked to be

released from some difficult relationship, like Hannah’s

experience with Peninnah. Suffering is real. Grief, despair

and depression come in waves that cannot be wished

away.

God does not always say “yes” to our pleading,

13

but He always hears and lovingly answers His people

according to His perfect purposes.

When God’s ways are mysterious, we must rely on

what we know of His righteous character shown in the

Bible. Through every struggle, as you prayerfully depend

on Him, He will draw you closer, encourage you and

make you stronger.

God knows you, your longings,

your deepest needs and how best to respond.

God

promises never to abandon or forsake you.

14

Will you

choose to hope in the Lord Himself, not in a dream,

person, desire or event?"

I had been praying to have the baby earlier and was so discouraged every morning I woke up to no contractions and no baby. I was putting my hope in a situation and not in God. This was a perfect reminder to trust God's timing and his character. 15 minutes later I started having some more contractions. I woke Ben up and told him today might be the day, but also did not get my hopes up. He left for work and the morning went on as normal. Around 9:30 my contractions started to feel more real and I was thinking more and more that this was it. In my pride I wanted to sit at home, tell no one, and get through the fear and uncertainty alone, but I had a nudging to put my pride aside and call Elizabeth. She quickly came over, prayed for me and offered to walk with me while her daughter watched the kids to see if we could get things moving. We walked up and down the street a handful of times and when we headed back inside my contractions were coming every 5-7 minutes. I called my midwife and she told me to come in. So Ben came home and we peacefully left the house and drove to the hospital. By the time we got there my contractions started to get more intense. We walked up to our room and my water broke. What perfect timing! Timing that I couldn't have planned. We had a friend at our house to watch our kids, she didn't have to rush over in the middle of the night, we didn't have to leave our kids in a frenzy, we made it in time, AND I didn't have to be induced. It seriously could not have worked out more perfectly.

Once we got settled they hooked me up to monitor the baby for about and hour. I think I had 3 contractions in that hour, so discouraging. As soon as they were done around 1:00 we got up to walk. After walking quite a bit the contractions came faster and more intense. Little Lincoln was born at 3:00! Honestly the pushing and contractions were more intense than my other labors and I started to get thoughts going around my head like "I can't do this," and "Can't you just take him out for me?" How ridiculous of me. Once I calmed those thoughts I knew I had to focus on what was true so I repeated these things about God's character. God is creator-he created my body to be able to do this and he created Lincoln. God is sustainer-he will sustain me through this labor. God is the life giver-he has given Lincoln life. Those truths got me through labor and gave me the strength to give birth to a beautiful precious baby boy! 

                                                        Lincoln Sage Arant

                                                        November 1, 2018 3:00pm

                                                        7lbs 6oz 19 inches

grieving with hope

Sometimes without even knowing it, children can teach us great truths from God's words. The child may not even know this truth, but the sovereign Lord can use anything he wishes to proclaim this truth. I was reminded of this the other day when talking with my 4 year old son, Roman. 

 

Out of the blue the other day Roman asked me how I knew baby Marvel wasn't in my tummy anymore but was in heaven. He asked it so bluntly and took my answer with such assurance. He didn't question it, just paused to think and went on with his day. You see  this question brought me back to when we had explained to him that the baby inside my tummy was no longer alive, but was with Jesus in heaven.  When we told him the news he was sad, had questions, and made comments like I wish I could have met the baby or held the baby. Those all were obvious reactions, ones we had expected. However what we didn't expect was the responses that followed in the next days, weeks, and even months after we lost Marvel. On several occasions he made comments like baby Marvel is in heaven, or baby Marvel is waiting for us. He would make those comments with such confidence and assurance, and HOPE. 

His reactions made me think of the verse in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14. "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." You see he was sad, but he had hope. Hope that Marvel was with Jesus and the words God has spoken are true.

This thought encourages me in two ways. 

1. It is ok to grieve over things that grieve the Lord, and death is one of those. 

2. It is also ok to have hope in the midst of suffering. Sometime guilt can take over and we feel that we need to be sad and not go on with life because of a tragedy. And while there definitely needs to be room for healthy grief and time to process, life shouldn't remain like that forever. In our suffering the Lord is doing something. The Lord sustained me during our loss and gave me the grace to get through and actually be present in the moments. He gave me hope that my baby was in heaven, that I was going to be ok, and that he was working in my heart in the midst of heartache and pain and he was doing something sweet and even more so his glory to be revealed will far outweigh any pain or suffering I could face in this life.

Marvel

Well 2018 did not begin the way we had hoped for. We had planned on making a special New Year's announcement, but instead we find ourselves sharing our grief instead of our joy. I went back and forth about sharing this video with you all.  We found out the day after Thanksgiving that we were expecting our fourth baby. We told my family and made a special video to share with Ben's family over Christmas. However the morning of the day we were going to show the video I had a miscarriage. Definitely not the fun Christmas vacation we planned for. So here is the video we planned to share with Ben's family and the rest of you. I don't share it to gain your sympathy, but instead for these three reasons to celebrate, to remember, and to worship. As I begin to process what has happened over the last month these are the things I'm trying to focus on.

1. Celebrate.
I believe with my whole heart that there was life inside of me. We saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound. I also believe that this life inside of me was no different than the life of my other three children. This baby began the same way we all do. This baby was knit together in my womb by the hand of God. That alone is something to celebrate. All life is a miracle and all life should be celebrated no matter how long that life lasts. I also believe that our baby is now in heaven with Jesus. This child will never have to feel pain or sorrow and that is another reason to celebrate. God knows our child deeply and loves our child more than we ever could have on earth.

2. Remember.
I fear that if I don't write these thoughts down, if I don't celebrate this life, and believe this baby is like my others I won't remember. I want to remember we have 4 children, not 3. This baby brought us joy, even in the short time we knew there was life inside of me. I want my children to remember they have another sibling, and this sibling is in heaven with Jesus. I'm so thankful to have had the video below made. Even though it may be painful to watch now it will be a sweet reminder of our precious baby and the joy that surrounded this child.

3. Worship.
Lastly, and this is the hardest of the three points, I want to worship. God is the creator and sustainer of life. He is sovereign and oh so good. He has our best in mind even when it doesn't feel that way. God formed the life that was inside of me in his image. He was the one who gave us joy and he is the one who is now comforting us in our pain. We worship him because he is good and so full of mercy. Life is a miracle of God, and this life was no different. Ephesians 2:4 has been going through my head this last week. "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us..." God is so merciful towards us and he could have left us in our pain and suffering, but he didn't. He moves towards us and comforts us and loves us more than we can fathom.

This last week has been one of intense grief and heart ache. I knew miscarriage must be hard to go through, but you never really know the depth of the pain you will feel until you walk this path. But we rejoice in the fact that one day we will meet our child in heaven and that gives us the hope we need.

**Roman wanted to give the baby a name and as we were searching for a name one of the first ones that popped up was Marvel, which means Miracle in French, and since Roman has enjoyed everything Marvel for the last couple years, that's what we chose. We chose to name the baby Marvel.

Inverness Half Marathon

Quite a while back before Roman was born we were looking up races in the area and I found the Inverness half marathon. We thought it would be a cool getaway and were hopeful that 5 months after Roman was born that Dani would be recovered enough to do the race, so she signed up.

The race was this past weekend, and with all the shenanigans that has gone on over the past 5 months from the complications during Romans birth, to the lack of sleep over the past few months, there was a little hesitation as to whether or not Dani should run the half marathon or even make the trip up to Inverness.

We decided to give it a shot and headed up to Inverness. We stayed with the parents of a friend from our church here in Glasgow. Roman did a great job on the 3 hour trek both ways in the car so that was encouraging. Dani was able to get a little more sleep than normal that night which I think helped as well.

My prediction for Dani was not only that she would finish the race but that she would run it in 1 hour and 45 minutes. Being 5 months post baby, she both finished and ran it in 1 hour and 42 minutes!

I'm always such a proud husband and I love cheering my wife on in her runs and watching her excel at things while being her biggest fan. Her strength and perseverance in not just running, but other areas in her life is always such a blessing to see.

We stayed the night after the race and the next day was beautiful. We were able to get out on a walk and just enjoy being a family surrounded by God's beautiful creation. It helps you look up and have a more eternal perspective on life. Continually thankful for all God has done and is doing in our lives!

Verses of encouragement this week:
"If then you have been raise with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

YOU ARE LOVED!

Roman's View of February

For the month of February I decided to take a picture of Roman everyday. So here are 27 (I forgot to take one on February 11th) pictures of Roman. Enjoy:)

Skye's The Limit

So Dani had been "bothering" me for quite some time to take a trip up to the Isle of Skye which is quite a ways north off the coast of Scotland. I kept being rather unsure about the situation because I was not super keen on renting a car and driving on the other side of the road.

Then it happened. There was a deal in February for the buses that you could travel anywhere in Scotland one way for 2 pounds. A normal ticket up to Skye was 40 pounds. So I gave in and we booked our getaway.

We left bright and early Monday morning for the 6 HOUR bus ride with Roman not really knowing what to expect. The first two hours were actually pretty great. Roman slept and we relaxed. However, no one would have guessed (including myself) that it wasn't Roman who had the difficult time on the way up but his dad. That's right…I didn't realize how many windy, bumpy, and hilly roads we would encounter on our journey. My motion sickness came on like a torrential downpour and I had to make a quick exist to the bathroom at the back of the bus where I lost a wee bit of lunch if you will! After that I felt a bit better and the rest of the journey was all about taking in the incredible scenery!

We got to Skye and because we arrived early and our room wasn't ready, they upgraded us and put us in a new room, which allowed Roman on a mattress on the floor all by himself! (He slept better in our hotel than he usually sleeps back him.)

We booked a scenic van tour around the island for the next day and it did not disappoint. I have never encountered such amazing scenery in my life. It all just shouted of God's magnificence and glory. Truly unforgettable. 14 stops all around the island each one seemed to top the next…wow is all I can say!

That evening we enjoyed our one nice meal in the restaurant at the hotel where I had an amazing 28 day aged prime rib sirloin…yummy! (you all know now of course, as if you didn't before, that Ben was writing this blog)

The trip home was a bit rough compared to the way up. I still had motion sickness but I was determined to not lose my dinner this time because it was expensive and delicious and to throw it up would have been such a waste. I succeeded in that department but still suffered for nearly the whole trip all while Roman was having a really tough time and only Dani around to entertain him. We hit a detour and a tree down which made it take us over 7 hours to get back!

Would I do it all again? Definitely…we had a great time up in Skye. We created memories and saw things that we will never forget. It baffles me that people don't immediately seen the hand of God in the wonders of His creation.

If you haven't already seen some of our photos we took, here is a little treat for you even though they don't do the place much justice!

You can go on Facebook and check out the full album of pictures of you would like to see more!

YOU ARE LOVED!

Lord Change My Attitude

I recently started reading the book Lord Change my Attitude Before it's too Late by James MacDonald. I have only gone through the first two chapters (Replace a complaining attitude with a thankful attitude) but it has already changed the way I look at my attitude and especially how I look at the act of complaining.

I am going to try and sum up as best I can what I have taken from these first two chapters, but I would definitely recommend reading the book for yourself as I'm not sure I will do it much justice here.

In Numbers 11 the Israelites continue to complain about their circumstances and because of that "His anger was kindled and the fire of the Lord burned among them." God hates our complaining, it is sin, it is a choice, and it hurts ourselves, those around us, and God. What really got me was the section on complaining about our adversity. Instead of me trying to sum up what it said I'm just going to quote the book here.

"You are forfeiting the grace that could help you through the trial by complaining about it. All the grace and strength you need to experience joy and victory is available to you, but by choosing to complain, by clinging to the idol of a perfect life you are flushing away the grace of God….Realize this…That very adversity that you so often complain about is the thing God wants to use to keep your heart close to His. In His grace, He grants adversity to bring us close to Him." James Macdonald 

This has definitely changed the way I think about difficult circumstances that I face. Instead of focusing on how hard they are, I should really be focused on how God is going to use this circumstance to bring me closer to Him. When we think of life through this perspective we truly have nothing to complain about!

Think about this for a second. Do you ever feel like you are living in the "wilderness?" You may be unhappy and feel like everything is going wrong in your life. Do you ever notice that when you complain about these situations they seems much worse? Our complaining is what keeps us in the wilderness. Next time you are tempted to complain about your circumstances try this instead. Think of what you are thankful for and it will be much easier to be joyful. 

I have decided to come up with 5 reasons everyday to be thankful and when I"m tempted to complain I will decide to focus on what I am thankful for instead. 

My 5 reasons to be thankful today.

1. I have the privilege to stay home with my beautiful baby boy each day and care for him!

2. Great running weather in Glasgow;) Really 40 degrees and rain beats 0 degrees and snow everyday!

3. So many faithful and loving supporters who generously giving so much so we could serve in Glasgow.

4. A loving, kind, gracious husband. 

5. My savior Jesus Christ who suffered and died for my sin so I could live a transformed life by his power and forever be with Him.

How can you not be thankful when you get to look at this precious face everyday?

Roman helping mommy pack!